I have a startling confession to make. It's one I never thought I'd make, but here it is. I miss my junk mail. Since I've moved, I haven't been getting as many catalogs or reminders that the warranty on my car is about to expire. And I'm sure it didn't help matters when I joined a service that safeguards my social security number. Now I don't even get unsolicited credit card offers.
It's very lonely out there in my mailbox. Some days I only get bills - not a single thing to cheer me up like the Pottery Barn Baby catalog. And no, I don't know why I get that catalog. It's not like Junior wants his room decorated in ducks and turtles.
But I really miss my catalogs. I don't know what to do without them. Seriously. How else am I to discover that green is the new neutral in living rooms? I miss those halcyon days when I wasn't concerned about companies wasting trees just to sell me a load of useless stuff like electronic dog leashes or robotic dancing iPod chargers. Ooh, and I miss the home store catalogs. Did you know they have refrigerators that can surf the web? I never would have realized those even existed if it weren't for those catalogs.
The truth is, I used the junk mail as much as it used me. It kept me somewhat up to date on the latest trends. But I no longer receive catalogs from pricey stores where the models all wear lots and lots of eyeliner and very little clothing just to advertise shoes. It's horrifying. How the heck am I supposed to know which shoes are in and which shoes are out so I can run out to Payless Shoe Source and buy copies of them? Good grief. I am going to be unfashionable and cheap. Oh, wait. I might already be that.
But what about my house? Will it be ugly now that I don't have a single catalog telling me what color throw pillows to buy? Will I be doomed to sit for an eternity on my couch, only to lean back onto outdated toss pillows in last year's must-have color combinations? The horror. And what will I do without a catalog showing me the 1,001 useless pieces of breakable decor that every home needs to have and that are doomed to break when Junior and his friends come in and play indoor football? Even worse, if nothing gets broken in my house what will I yell at Junior about? It's a mom's worst nightmare. All set to yell, but nothing to scream over. Will I revert to pre-mommyhood and rediscover my inside voice?
And what about my kitchen? Look, Harry likes to cook. And I like to buy kitchen gadgets. We're a match made in culinary heaven. But without kitchen gadget catalogs, our stove sits unused, just waiting for me to buy the latest must-have pan - but I don't know what it is. It's my worst nightmare come true. OK, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. Actually, the worst nightmare would be the shoe thing. Seriously. Oh, and I really liked the dancing iPod chargers.
Of course, there is a bright side. I'm not getting credit card offers, which means I'm not getting new credit cards. And in turn, I'm not getting catalogs so the whole "get a new credit card so I can charge stuff out of catalogs" vicious cycle is, you know, kind of over.
My junk mail wasn't limited to that whole shopping thing. Well, it was a major part. But I did get useful stuff too, like those cute little address labels with the puppies on them. I can't even snail mail a dang letter without having to handwrite my entire address, for Pete's sake. Wasn't it enough that I handwrote the letter? Must I be tortured into writing the return address too?
I'm telling you, life without junk mail is no life at all. I have unfashionable shoes, my throw pillows are the wrong color, I'm hungry, my kid isn't getting yelled at, I have writer's cramp in my hand and no credit left on my cards. So I'm going to do what any other junk mail free person would do. I'm going to go on the Internet and sign up for every catalog I can find.
Now if I could just find a way to solicit unsolicited credit card offers, I'd be golden.
Laurie Sontag Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. Her columns are syndicated. You can contact her at Laurie@lauriesontag.com.
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