At work, my husband is the boss. Everyone in his office thinks he is The Man. He also coaches a softball team, and his players think he's the greatest. The problem is that when he comes home, he continues to act like a boss. How do I get him to stop this?
A:
People often establish reciprocal relationships. Your husband can only assume the role of "boss" if you take the corresponding role of "employee." So start by examining your own reactions. If you submissively comply when he issues a command, you are reinforcing his autocratic tendencies. And if you protest or pout, but eventually give in, the result is the same.
To get this marriage on a more equal footing, you need to renegotiate the terms. But instead of becoming critical or angry, use "I" statements to introduce the subject. For example: "I recently realized that I've been passively going along with many things I really don't want to do. I'd like us to have the kind of relationship where we can discuss problems and make decisions together. Would you be open to talking about this?"
You may choose different words, but the point is to explain your feelings, not expound upon his flaws. You want to have a productive problem-solving discussion, not an argument. If you can become more assertive, your husband may gradually learn to be less directive. Sometimes the best way to change other people is to first change ourselves.
Q:
One of my employees frequently takes personal calls on his cell phone. I don't mind calls for important matters or emergencies, but I often hear him chatting with friends or discussing a business that he operates on the side.
My main concern is that his job performance is not acceptable.
He always seems to be preoccupied with something other than work. I discussed the issue of personal calls at a company-wide meeting, but he still seems to be receiving them. What would be a tactful way to deal with this problem?
A:
You need to worry less about tact and more about accountability.
As a manager, you must hold this guy responsible for producing the results that he's paid to deliver. Otherwise, you won't get the expected return on your investment in him.
First, schedule a coaching session with your talkative employee.
The main topic of discussion should be his subpar job performance. Although cell phone chatter may contribute to the problem, it's really a secondary issue.
Once you've clearly defined expectations, then you must regularly evaluate his progress. If he shapes up, praise the improvement. But if he continues to slack off, advise him that he's putting his job in jeopardy.
For the future, remember that you can't correct an individual performance problem with a group announcement. The good employees feel unfairly chastised, and the guilty party inevitably fails to get the message.
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